PoliticsHome | Only the latest five entries on the PhiWire are visible to non-subscribers
- Sign up to see last 24 hours
Dont have an account?Sign up here
Thursday 25th September 2014
Political reform in Britain isn’t usually a particularly quick process.
It's comforting to know that the House of Lords, with speculation that it could be part of the solution to the current storm raging about the powers available to Scotland and English regions, is slogging on regardless.
As the BBC’s Mark D’Arcy noted, the latest candidates to join the Red Benches have produced some unique pitches as to why they should be chosen by their peers in the forthcoming hereditary by-election.
Here are some of the best from the document:
I and my family having served this country in peace and war for more than seven centuries and from field, dock, warehouse, office... – Lord Harlech’s list of locations where his ancestors have served is cruelly cut short by the 75-word limit.
My politics started when I was seven years old, addressing envelopes in Paddington North – Lord Kennet takes career politician to a whole new level.
I have a lifelong interest in Politics – Lord Oriel knows his audience.
Judge at London 2012 Olympics – Show jumping – Lord Rowallan seems to have copy and pasted his CV.
I am an entrepreneur of mixed successes in the food and beverage business – Lord Somerleyton fails to inspire complete confidence in his business credentials.
In 1900 4th Lord Sudeley was made bankrupt and lost his seat in the House of Lords because his creditors were allowed to enlarge their claims without their being independently and adequately audited. Sudeley recovered his seat and used it to provide us with guide lecturers for museums. I would like to introduce a Bill to prevent any further creditors from enlarging their claims in the same way – Lord Sudeley seems to have spotted an opportunity to scratch a 114-year itch.
The outcome of the by-election will be announced on 22 October. Watch this space.
Thursday 25th September 2014
Nigel Farage has finally cracked and professed his undying love for Europe.
No, not those banana-straightening Brussels bureaucrats, but the formidable Ryder Cup side hoping to trounce America over the weekend.
In this promotional video from bookies Paddy Power we’re treated to the Ukip leader in full golfer’s attire (a look Alan Partridge might dub ‘sports casual’), as he pays tribute to “the wine, the food, the excellent transport systems, the clogs, and the greatest golfers in the world.”
He also singles out the US side’s Hunter Mahan, Bubba Watson, and Webb Simpson for abuse - “they’re not names, they’re just noises!” - and takes a pop at Tiger Woods’ back injury. All very sporting, we're sure.
Editor's note: an earlier version of this blog, littered with puns such as 'Cameron will be Teed Off' and 'Will Clacton be a hole-in-one for Ukip?' was removed under an EU Directive on the preservation of comedy.
Wednesday 24th September 2014
If any MPs are hungover on the last day of Labour conference, we know who to blame.
Caroline Flint, Gloria de Piero and Angela Eagle were among the new bar staff at the Rovers Return last night, when half of the Labour party descended on Coronation Street.
Other guests at the Mirror party included the three Eds (Miliband, Balls and Izzard) and Lord Prezza.
But which one of them was spotted gamely hitting the dancefloor at midnight? They don't call him Ed 'snake hips' Balls for nothing, you know...
Sunday 21st September 2014
Ed Balls spilled blood, sweat, and tears on the football pitch this afternoon after he elbowed a journalist in the face during a charity football match.
The Shadow Chancellor engaged in a ferocious tackle with Rob Merrick, from the Northern Echo, and whacked him in the face, leaving the journalist needing ambulance treatment.
Playing in central midfield, Mr Merrick was pictured in a blood-soaked shirt, after being patched up by staff. He then shook the shadow chancellor’s hand, and both teams accepted the incident had been a bit of a balls-up.
“Ed is a very combative player, and there was no malice,” one lobby journalist said.
The hacks then got their own back in the Manchester match, giving the Labour politicians the boot with a final score of 3-1. Maybe Ed could give Manchester United a boost while he's in the city after today's disastrous loss against Leicester...
Sunday 14th September 2014
It’s the celebrity endorsement the Yes campaign has been waiting weeks for.
Groundskeeper Willie has finally taken to the podium to voice his views on Scottish independence in a YouTube video.
Donned in his traditional kilt and a backdrop of a Saltire so blue it would make Ed Miliband weep with joy, Willie slams the current Scottish establishment as “those who enjoy crawling like worms beneath British boots”.
The Simpsons star notes the power of the country which is home to two-thirds of Europe’s oil reserves, says Scots make a “damn fine whisky, and we spell whisky right too!”
Stopping of short of weighing himself into the brawl over whether Scotland should keep the British pound, Willie praises the “grand tradition of William Wallace and Andy Murray”.
And, in a move likely to keep David Cameron awake for the week, he says Alex Salmond would be a “safe choice” and rips his shirt off to reveal a birthmark reading “Aye or Die!”, and encourages people to back “Scotland’s prodigal son, Groundskeeper Willie!”
He promises not to bow down to world leaders (as he doesn’t have a clue who they are), and is “not willing to learn”. The Scot’s years in America means he knows “how NOT to run a country”. The end of the US-UK relationship as we know it is upon us. Take that Obama.