Will next Labour manifesto include pledge to ban toilet paper? It could if Christian Wolmar becomes an MP

Posted On: 
6th November 2016

Labour's candidate to fight the Richmond Park by-election comes ready with a vote-winning policy proposal for Jeremy Corbyn's manifesto: banning toilet paper.

Christian Wolmar said: "Au revoir Andrex, Bonjour bidet toilet.”
PA Images

In a recent blog post Christian Wolmar called for toilet tissue to be banned, arguing it spreads faeces around the body “like a toddler and his new paint box”.

In the September article he urged Britain to adopt the “hands-free spray toilet” popular in Asian countries, adding: “So it is au revoir Andrex, Bonjour bidet toilet.”

EXCL Labour by-election candidate Christian Wolmar called on Jeremy Corbyn to quit

Mr Wolmar cited toilet expert and Sister Act star Woopie Goldberg in his analysis that you can “never clean yourself totally” with toilet paper after “a visit to the little room”.

“If your hand slips as you pick up your dog’s doodoo and you get a smudge on your finger, you would not be satisfied with wiping it clean with a bit of tissue or a handkerchief,” he explained.

“You would go home and scrub away, probably several times, and likely as not have a shower just to make sure.”

He added: “The only reason that toilet paper has survived into the 21st century is because the derrière is so, well, derrière.

“You don’t see what you are doing with the Andrex which, not to put too fine a point on it, is spreading it around like a toddler and his new paint box.

“And this antiquated habit has a great risk. Not washing hands properly is the most common cause of serious food poisoning.”

He said Britain need not put up with the pain “any longer” as it can adopt the “hands-free spray toilet, sometimes known as automatic bidets or, in American slang, ‘butt cleaners’”.

With big plans like this, hopefully voters won't be wiping their ars*s with Labour's next manifesto.